Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
