apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Randomize
