fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
