Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
