I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
