a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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