my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
