using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
