I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Randomize
