Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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