You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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