He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
