Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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