So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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