At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
