He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
