Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
