Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
did i walk over a car last night?
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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