I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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