Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
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Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
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If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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