you're like a bully in the Christmas story
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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