Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
