This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
