4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
