if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
