No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
