There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
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