you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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