my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
