4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
