dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
