I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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