And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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