I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
