i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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