Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
