Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
