I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
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