ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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