seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
