but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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