How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Im part way to drunk.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Randomize
