I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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