seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
