I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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