I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
