Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Randomize
