i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
It's shark week go big or go home
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
