don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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