He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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