apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
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She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
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It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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