You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
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