I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Randomize
