I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
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